It's Like A Cigarette
by Squiggles-chan
Summary: He wants what he knows he can't have. He wants her to realize what he cannot say, but she won't. He blames her. And he swears he hates her.
1. Chapter 1

**Squiggles: **Gokudera/Haru - 5986 / Slight Haru/Tsuna - 8627  
_I had an idea, and I had to write it out. I like this pairing, and wanted to write a story about it! So far, I'm thinking it'll just be a mini-series. Please tell me what you think of the prologue!_

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For a moment, he regrets coming.

Hayato Gokudera feels awkward, he's watching her, he's reading the words that lay hidden in her eyes, he watches the same eyes search the audience, and then he recognizes the pained expression that falls upon her face.

Haru Miura is smiling, but he's known her long enough to know her better than anyone. He hates himself for it, knowing the way she works makes him sick, because knowing how she's feeling affects him more than he'd like to admit to himself. She unknowingly jerks him around, and he knows he's about at the brink of tearing.

She angers him beyond belief, she surprises him, she intrigues him, and he swears he hates her. But he doesn't really. He tries his hardest to, he tries to focus on the most annoying thing he can think of about her, but then realizes it's the thing he admires about her.

She's spunky, immature, and unquestionably brave.

Her lips are moving, but he doesn't hear what she's staying. He's staring at her eyes, and she's staring at the empty seat beside him with such intensity he swears the seat is going to melt. Her eyes move to the empty seat beside the seat the Juudaime is suppose to be sitting in, and a look of understanding comes upon her face.

Her voice cracks, going high pitched in a painfully beautiful way, and he swears her eyes are glazing over, and he can't take his eyes away from how she's crumbling right in front of him. He's the only one who knows, he's sure, and he almost gets a sick kind of joy from it.

She was so excited about this certain night. She went on and on about how it was her big night, how she wanted all of her friends there to watch the play she was starring. He told her he wasn't coming, she told him to go to hell. She didn't want him to come.

She wasn't aware that that affected him.

The Juudaime had promised her with an exasperated sigh he'd be there to watch her, and she told him how much that meant to her. Of course that only made the Tenth uncomfortable, but still she smiled.

But the Tenth wasn't there.

Hayato stayed focused, watching Haru stare at the empty seat as she recited lines expertly, she played her roll perfectly. She stared and stared, maybe she was trying to will Tsuna to be there. Maybe she was waiting for him to suddenly arrive late. Maybe just maybe, but that wasn't going to happen.

And then finally her eyes moved to the left, meeting his eyes.

She looked relieved to see him, and he felt light. And then she did a casual head tilt, but he knew she was asking for Tsuna. He shook his head, silently telling her he wasn't there.

He wanted to tell her the Tenth wasn't ever going to be there, that she was stupid.

And suddenly Haru's relieved eyes turned sad again.

Hayato Gokudera scoffed and looked away, suddenly itching for a cigarette.

_Oh, how he hated her._


	2. Heartbeat

"So, Tsuna-san...?"

Haru's voice brought Gokudera out of his day-dream like stated, his green eyes averting from the floor of the room he was in to the short female who stood in front of him. She was smiling, but it was almost strained.

For a second he wondered if it was strained because she was around him, but he figured it was strained because she was sad about the Tenth missing the play she starred in. She even went over board and created most or all of the costumes used.

She wanted to be Namimori's best costume designer.

A scoff, a roll of the eyes.

"Tch, stupid woman."

She didn't like that, her eyes were flaming with anger. She gently kicked him in the leg, letting out a calming huff. "Tsuna-san must have had some extremely important mafia business to take care of! Yosh! That's why he couldn't keep his promise, Haru understands completely now."

Gokudera frowned at her, and stared at her. He really stared at her. She was lying, the man she was in love with didn't show up and neither did her best friend.

Kyoko Sasagawa was the reason the Tenth didn't show up, it was obvious. Everyone knew it. Yamamoto had mentioned it whilst waiting for the play to begin, but his brain hadn't delved in as deep as Gokudera's did into the subject.

Haru was going on about how the Tenth was busy, and how it was okay, about how he'd make up for missing the play.

Something important.

Important.

Important.

No, the Tenth had only missed the play because of something insignificant Kyoko needed done came up. The only person the Tenth would break promises for was that girl. It wasn't important.

"Haru."

The icy, bitter tone in his voice caught himself off guard, and succeeded in silencing the brunette.

For a while, they just stared at each other.

And then everything he wanted to tell her flew away at the sound of a new voice.

"Haru!"

Said girls eyes widened at seeing the Tenth, the bright and joyful smile on her face was so vibrant Gokudera had to look away.

Actually, he wanted to leave now. Her reaction to the Tenth was so different than her reaction to him. Once upon a time, Hayato Gokudera wouldn't have cared.

"Haru-chan!"

Ah, there it was. The light voice of Kyoko. Gokudera glanced at his beloved Tenth, squinting his eyes slightly as he looked his boss over to make sure there was nothing wrong with him, but found he was beaming with a light Gokudera didn't recognize.

And then he saw the Tenth's hand entwined with Kyoko's, and he was old enough to know it wasn't a sort of friendship hand-holding.

Gokudera glanced at Haru to see if she caught on, and she did.

The Tenth was apologizing for missing the play, Kyoko nodding in agreement and lightly laughing about how her car wouldn't start, so she asked "Tsu-kun" for a ride. The traffic was terrible, she lied.

"Hahi! It's fine! Haru's happy for you."

Gokudera watched silently, taking note of how Kyoko bit her bottom lip and dropped the Tenth's hand instantly, it was almost like she was ashamed and trying to fade into the background.

"Ah, don't worry, Haru. I'll come to your next play for sure."

The Tenth said, nodding his head with a serious expression. Because the Tenth didn't like letting his friends down, and when he did he wanted to patch things up.

It went silent, Haru was the quietest she'd ever been. She wasn't staring at the Tenth for once in her life, her eyes were focused on Kyoko with a look mixed with confusion, hurt, and the hints of jealousy.

She looked just about ready to burst into tears.

"Oi, stupid woman..."

Gokudera's voice came out frustrated, and he nodded toward the door. She blinked back tears and stared at him stupidly. It made him even more frustrated. He scowled, and reached out and grabbed her wrist.

"Come on! Aniki wanted to give you something!"

Haru didn't protest to being dragged out, she was probably relieved.

Gokudera was sure she was, and was proven right when the got to his car with the manna-be famous costume-maker. She began sniffling, that's when the water works started.

Gokudera wasn't good with dealing with emotional people, let alone women. He was awkward with them, and often opted to yell at them because they frustrated him with their complexity. He became uncomfortable, but the level boosted along with his heart rate when Haru threw herself at him, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist and successfully soaking his dress shirt with her tears.

Slowly, he brought his arms around her and rubbed her back in a soothing manner.

She cried a good while, but Gokudera just stayed with her. He wanted to yell at her for getting so close to him, but he didn't hate it. At least she was acknowledging him in some other way than being angry at him. Finally she stopped crying, her body seizing its shaking. She pulled away slightly from him, and wiped her tears away with the backs of her hands.

"Gokudera-san, your hearting is being very fast."

Gokudera refused to look at the brunette, and scoffed weakly.

"Stupid woman."

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**A/N: **_Thank you for the reviews! They really motivate me! And glad you guys like the story, I'll have the next chapter out soon!_


	3. Confession

"But Haru... Everyone's pretty worried about you... Are you lying?"

Hayato Gokudera could only hear one of the sides of the conversation, he couldn't Hear Haru's voice, but he could hear Yamamoto's. The furrowing of the baseball-fanatics brows hinted the Storm Guardian off that whatever Haru was saying was a lie, and not a good one at that.

Hayato heard a slight bustling of laughter on the other side of the receiver, it was muffled and sort of distorted, but he could tell it was forced. Not sincere. Not how that stupid woman's laugh normally was. Why couldn't just come out and say the truth? That she wasn't hanging around as much as she usually would because wherever Tsuna was Kyoko was? That their relationship strained her?

"Idiot, give that to me!"

Gokudera suddenly struck out and snatched the phone out of Yamamoto's hand, sending the taller male a unjustified strong glare. Through the years, Gokudera had loosened up around Yamamoto, but that did not mean they were on great terms. Gokudera liked to say he could _tolerate_Yamamoto's stupidity now. He'd never admit they were friends, even if they truly were. It was an odd love-hate friendship, but it wasn't as strained as it use to be.

"Oi! Stupid woman! Quit worrying the Tenth!"

With that, Gokudera slammed the reciever down, ending the call.

Yamamoto blinked a few times before opening his mouth slightly, a look of understanding appearing on his face.

"Gokudera, you..."

Gokudera quickly looked at the brunette and furrowed his brows.

"What?"

Yamamoto laughed lightly, and said it was nothing.

But now everything made more since, and Gokudera had accidentally given away the key to one of his boxes of secrets. Tsuna, in all honesty, was not worried about Haru. He was in a stage of pure bliss, and all he could think about was Kyoko Sasagawa, he was scattered-brained at the moment.

"I'm sure Haru will be okay, Gokudera! She's got a strong spirit!"

Yamamoto said, nodding his head with a knowing smile. He knew the one who was worrying about the girl wasn't Tsuna, it was Gokudera.

This just seemed to tick off Gokudera, and he scoffed.

"Idiot! Going and saying things like that, it's not like I care!"

With that, Gokudera stormed out fo the room. He walked with an angry stride out of the Vongola mansion, patting his suit blazer down until he grabbed a lighter and a cigarette. He lit it, and inhaled.

A single cigarette could cure all of his problems, even if just for a second.

Gokudera Hayato hopped into his car and drove and drove unil he got to a certain girls' house. He sat in his car, just watching the door a moment. He scoffed at himself, muttering about how he was an idiot, and walked to the door.

Three strong knocks and the door was open, a pathetic looking Haru peering up into Gokudera's green eyes with a questioning appearance.

"Gokudera-san! It was rude to hang up on me, I was talking to Yamamoto-san!"

Gokudera rolled his eyes and forced himself past her and inside. He looked around, it honestly was the first time he was inside her house. She'd usually successfully keep him out by kicking him, but it seemed he'd taken her by surprise.

"Hahi! Gokudera-san-"

"Not 'hahi' idiot! Now stop acting all rotten, you're worrying the Tenth!"

_You're worrying me..._

Haru's lips pressed into a thin line, her fists clenching.

"Tsuna-san is fine with Kyoko-chan. Haru is... Haru is not important."

Gokudera was quiet a moment, putting out his cigarette in a plant. Afterward, he advanced on Haru.

"You're so stupid..."

Haru backed up, the flames in her eyes dying out.

"How can you say my feelings are stupid?"

Gokudera continued forward.

"Because I know mine are."

"You're not making any sense!"

Her back hit the wall, and she suddenly felt frozen under Gokudera's intense glare. His eyes held many emotions.

Anger, jealousy, resentment, hurt...

"I want to hate you..."

He had her trapped between his arms now, his hands flat against the wall, staring down at her shorter stature.

"Y...You...! You don't understand my feelings... What it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back!"

Haru jumped when Gokudera slammed his hands against the wall.

"I know exactly how it feels! You drive me crazy!"

For once, Haru was absolutely quiet. Gokudera's face was becoming closer to hers. her heart was beating faster and faster, but at the same time it felt like it had stopped all together. His eyes stayed locked on hers, the same intensity as before in them.

"Haru Miura, I... I love you. You stupid woman. How can _you _say your not important?"

Less than an inch separated the pairs lips, but he pulled away and turned around so his back was facing her.

Haru slid down to the wall as she watched Gokudera leave, tears streaming down her face as his last words rang through her head, repeating the entire scene over and over again in her head.

"_But I guess neither of us get our happy ending._"

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**A/N**: _Again, thank you for the reviews! It truly does mean a lot! Also, thank you for the faving and story alerting! I think the next chapter may be the last installment, but I'll be uploading a new story that will be longer. And some more mini-series! Again, thank you all!_


	4. Feelings

Pale fingers ghosted across ivory keys.

Sound filled the small room Hayato Gokudera was in, immersing him completely in the beautiful chimes of music. At that moment he was cut off from the world, cut off from everyone. It was just him and his piano. For a while he hated the very piano he was currently seated at. His sister had given it to him as a gift on one of his past birthdays. He'd given her such a tongue lashing, insisting she was mocking him. Trying to ruin the memory of his mother.

He inwardly cringed at the memory, and regretted the words he'd said. He didn't get along well with his sister, but she undoubtedly cared for him. He was just an angry person, and seeing her made him envision is father. And thinking of his father made him think of his deceased mother. The mother he thought was just a nice lady teaching him how to play the piano. Just a face among faces. But she was more than just a face, and by the time he found out she was gone.

For once, he felt relaxed just playing the piano. One of his favorite memories drifted to him, he'd perfected playing a piece by Chopin, and his teacher, his mother, had been so proud.

"_That was wonderful, Hayato._"Or "_That's amazing._"She had told him that with a brilliant smile, her tone sincere. She was always honest and sincere, and if he made a mistake she'd encourage him every time she came to visit.

"That's amazing."

Gokudera heard the voice, and for a minute thought it was just a vivid memory of what his mother would say. But then he felt the piano bench shift, and his hands froze. He looked over beside him, a frown coming to his face.

"How did you get in here?"

Gokudera watched Haru raise a finger to her mouth, her right eye closing in a wink, a smile adorning her face.

"That's Haru's secret!"

Gokudera sighed, itching for a cigarette, but he'd left the pack in the kitchen. he didn't feel like walking like walking all the way there, so he managed by simply playing with the black tie that adorned his maroon colored button down.

"It's my house, I should know."

Gokudera let out another sigh, cursing the fact he was back in reality. His good mood was replaced with twisting feelings in his stomach and heart now that a certain brunette was beside him.

After he had confessed, she acted like it never happened. And then for a while he harassed her about staying indoors and worrying the others. And then she was back to herself. And then he began avoiding her. And then she cornered him in the boys restroom (because obviously she had no shame), and forced him to listen to what she had to say. She thanked him for something he couldn't put his finger on, and then told him to "wait" and ran off. He waited and hour in that damn bathroom confused, but she didn't come back. In fact, she turned the tables and avoided _him_.

And then slowly things went back to normal. She was comfortable enough around the Tenth and Kyoko again, though she didn't cling to the Tenth any more. And she began hanging out more with Chrome than Kyoko (granted, Chrome was very nervous at Haru's pushiness for a while). Gokudera watched things go by in a sped up paste, everyone laughing while he felt frozen. He and Haru didn't talk much. No, that wasn't right, she attempted many times to speak to him but he brushed her off.

Haru began to talk, but Gokudera's fingers moved again and drowned out her voice, a song that fit his mood at the moment bounced around the room in an almost angry way. He was playing the piece at a slightly quickened speed, but he didn't want to hear Haru.

"Do you hate me?"

Gokudera froze instantly at the question, turning to face Haru with a shocked expression. Oh, how he wanted to lie and say he did. But... He didn't want her to think that, so he spoke the truth.

"No!"

She seemed relieved.

"Why would you think that, stupid woman?"

He demanded, brows furrowing.

"You've been avoiding me. I've been trying to talk to you, but you just sigh and run away. Or make up excuses to get away from me."

Haru frowned at him, leaning closer.

"Gokudera-san is a terrible liar."

Gokudera leaned back, scrunching his nose up. No he wasn't, he was a fantastic liar! She was crazy.

"You told me to "wait" and then you don't come back, and you start avoiding me. You keep tugging on this stupid leash, getting my hopes up, and then you leave me at the side of the road!"

"I didn't mean wait in the restroom, Gokudera-san! In any case, you shouldn't ignore-"

"How else am I suppose to get over these damn feelings?"

Haru inhaled sharply, his loud tone of voice catching her off guard.

Gokudera paused a moment before turning so his legs were straddling the bench, one leg over either side. He cupped Haru's face in his hands, lifting her head so his gaze met hers.

"I'm in love with a girl that can't love me back, do you have any idea how much it hurts? I'm sure you, but I'm a man and I'm prideful. I want everything to go my way. I want to read a book an be able to fix this problem. But I can't, no amount of reading or studying can fix anything. Everything I want for myself I can't have."

Gokudera felt his eyes burn, but he blinked away all his emotions and refused to cry. he wasn't an eight year old boy, he wasn't going to cry.

"Haru really hurt Gokudera-san, didn't she?"

Haru, however, was crying. Her tears ran down Gokudera's hands in streams, her body shaking slightly, fists clenched into tight balls.

"When I told you to wait... Haru had never had someone tell her he loved her, it was strange to hear. But Tsuna-san... I couldn't just forget my feelings for him, they were still there. I couldn't forget him in a day, or in a week. I loved him since I was fourteen. I didn't want you to think I was using you. But you confused me, I thought you disliked me, so I never thought of you as anything but a weird friend. Hearing you confess made me see you differently. I needed to think."

Haru brushed off Gokudera's hands and covered her face with her own.

"I only avoided you because I started seeing Tsuna-san as just Tsuna-san. My heart didn't flutter around him, it fluttered around you more than ever, and it scared me. I didn't think I could love you, but I can, I will, I do! Please, don't say it's too late..."

Haru fell silent, not daring to look at Gokudera, her sniffling filling the place of the piano.

"Don't cry, Haru."

Gokudera whispered to her, pulling her into an embrace.

"You're so stupid."

He buried his face into her neck, hugging her tightly.

Haru let out a sniffling laugh, pulling out of the hug slightly.

She leaned up and pressed her lips against his, then just rested her forehead against his.

"I'm sorry, Gokudera. For everything."

Her voice was sincere and honest, her doe eyes sad and worried. But Gokudera scoffed and she smiled, opening her mouth to say something. But he cut her off, kissing her again.

In many ways, Haru was like a cigarette to Gokudera. He craved her when he knew she was killing him. He tried to quit her, but always ended up thinking about her, which ended up with him going to get just one glance at her. But now, things didn't look so bad. Was luck finally acknowledging him?

_Maybe, just this once, he'd get a happy ending._

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**A/N**: _This story is officially over! You guys do not know how hard it was to decide on an ending. I was seriously considering giving Gokudera a sad ending, and then Haru a sad ending. I originally planned the happy ending differently, but couldn't word it right... So this will suffice! I had a lot of fun with this story, I'm going to miss it... But I'm off to publish a different story in a bit, so look out for it! Thank you for reading! Thanks for the reviews, story alerting, favoriting, and all that good stuff! You guys are really awesome, I can only hope this ending didn't disappoint! And just to make it clear, five months passed on this chapter from the last. I just couldn't picture Haru dropping her feelings for Tsuna in a snap, or rather I couldn't work with that, so I did a time-skip. Again, thank you all! You guys rock!_


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